A few minutes before the church service started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and chatting among friends.
Suddenly, in a flash of light, Satan appeared in front of the congregation!
Everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old cowboy.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
Financial Planning explained by an Irishman.
Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. In the morning he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news.
The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well just give me my money back then.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898? The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.'
Paddy now works for a bank in Australia.
JESUS AND THE LABOR SUPPORTER
A 'Liberal', in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.
The 'Liberal’ looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the 'Liberal' requested that she give Jesus a cup of hot chocolate, on him.
The next patron to come in was a 'Bob Katter' supporter, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea.
He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the 'Bob Katter' supporter asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "my treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a 'Labor' supporter on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold XXXX beer?"
He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the 'Labor' supporter directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the 'Liberal, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The 'Liberal' felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus passed by the 'Bob Katter' supporter, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The 'Katter' supporter felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then, Jesus walked towards the 'Labor' supporter, just smiling. The 'Labor' supporter jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me .... I'm on a disability pension."
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ...
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count on 1 hand.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
Geography of the Female
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
GEOGRAPHY OF THE MALE
Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea and America. Ruled by a pair of nuts.
A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said, “What do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said “if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date and I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,
"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reason?"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?" Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?
Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right, "Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”
A very cranky old miserable woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine, but what do you care about that?"
The judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop gavel, the lady's long suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your Honour, she also stole a can of peas.
After closing time at the bar, an Irishman was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied. 'A talking clock?
Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch this', the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment......
suddenly, a voice screamed out: 'You A#S HOLE! It's 3:15 in the MORNING!'
Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunken woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, “Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live.” She replied, “I keep trying to tell you: Your Passin It!"
The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw a RAA Road Service van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman
grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
Something to make you smile this Christmas
Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck? A. A Christmas Quacker.
Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving? A. Santa Pause!
Q. Where does a snowman keep his money? A. In a snow bank.
Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much? A. Because of all the wrapping!
There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red. He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
Funny, Odd, Interesting, Relatively Useless and Random Australian Trivia
Each and every part of Australia is within a distance of 1000km from ocean or a beach.
30,028 square km of land is under cattle stations. This area size is almost the same as that of the whole of Belgium.
People of Queensland in Australia are called "Banana Benders", & "Sand Gropers" is the name given to the people from Western Australia, Crow eaters in SA & Mexicans from Victoria, Knuckle heads in ACT !
There are nearly 23,000,000 people in Australia, of which approximately 80% live in cities next to the sea.
Australia has, probably, the lowest population density of any country in the world, ie, 2 people per square km. Japan has 327 people/2km
The area of Australia that is covered by snow in winter is larger than the area of Switzerland.
The Keith area produces some 90% of the Lucerne seed in the southern hemisphere.
The longest fence in the world is in Australia, and it runs for over 5,530 kms. It's designed to keep dingoes away from the sheep, and it sort of works!
The wine cask, the ubiquitous plastic bag full of wine contained in a cardboard box, was invented in Australia in 1967.
Qantas stands for Queensland And Northern Territory Aerial Services.
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
It is impossible to lick your elbow. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
One day at a meat shop a dog walks in and the butcher shoos him away. About 5 minutes later he comes back with $10 and a note saying “2lbs of steak” surprised the butcher reluctantly takes the money and hands him a bag with the meat.
As the dog left the butcher closed down the shop and decided to follow it. The dog gets to the bus stop and waits. A few buses pass and the dog ignores them still not eating the meat. Finally bus 923 arrives and the dog pulls a ticket out of its collar, gives it to the driver and hops on.
The dog does this for about 3 more buses and the man follows him every time. The dog got off of the last bus and began to walk still not have eaten the meat. Finally the dog walks up to a house and sets the meat down.
The dog backs up and charges and slams into the door. He does this about twice. Finally a man opens the door and starts yelling at the dog calling him stupid and retarded.
The butcher finds this horrible so he talks to the man and says “STUPID?! This dog went to my shop, paid for meat and took it on a series of buses finding his way back home perfectly. HOW IS HE STUPID??!”
The man then replied saying “Yes, that’s all great but he forgot the key the 3rd time this week!”
The Bottom Line
A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"
The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."
The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"
Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were
sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the
elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb
75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and
Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by
concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25
flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can
tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill
stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor
Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will
tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in
It will be my wife's birthday tomorrow. When I asked her what she wanted, she said something with diamonds would be nice. I've bought her a packet of playing cards.
If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing…
A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the Tylden fire station, when he noticed a little boy nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The boy was wearing a fire-fighters helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by his dog and his cat.
The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire-fighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the boy replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The boy had tied the wagon to his dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the fire-fighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little boy replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
A blonde goes into a computer store and asks the clerk, “Where do you keep the curtains for computers?” The clerk answers with a puzzled face, “Curtains for computers? You don’t need curtains for computers.” The blonde’s eyes widen and she shakes her head as she answers, “Hello!?? My computer has Windows!!”
Man Flu - The Facts...
1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)
2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.
3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' - which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone
book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.
4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.
5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy, soup and regular exposure of womanly parts are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it.
6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).
7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.
8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.
9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.
10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Two and a Half Men" it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Charlie Sheen's voice has remarkable soothing powers.
Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them soup, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.
Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left. The next night, after he finished his 3rd beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left. The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left. The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. " " What can I do? " he pleaded. " Not much " he doctor replied. " There's just a nasty bug going around."
Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
The story is told about a king in Africa who had a close friend he grew up with. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!" One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail. About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake. As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone who was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way. As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this." "No," his friend replied, "this is good!" "What do you mean, "this is good!" How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?" "If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you!"